Everyone needs some time off. Everyone gets sick. Whether you belong in the former camp or the latter, your boss my not believe you when you tell him you have the sniffles (or a fever of 107) and need a day. If you know the right way to call in sick, you can make this process a lot less painful and anxiety-inducing for yourself. Here is a guide I have put together to help you through one of life’s more painful processes.

What Day of the Week to Skip

First, if you are NOT truly sick (you just need a day off) and this day can be flexible, there are better days of the week to call in than others. Mondays are the worst, because your boss is less likely to believe you. Nobody likes Mondays, and everyone loves 3-day weekends. This seems a bit too “deliberate” a day to choose for my taste.

Friday is actually the 2nd least preferable day for the same reasons, but also because it’s easiest to get personal work done at the office (like paying your bills, making an appointment to see a dentist and responding to e-mail) on this day because everyone is relaxed and more casual about work. Don’t miss the “best” day of the week.

Pick Tuesday. It’s the most “productive” day at the office, and one of the most depressing. If you plan to take a Tuesday off, your usually awful Monday will seem like a Friday, and once you return you will only have 3 days to go, one of which is a real Friday. If you can’t miss Tuesday, then do Wednesday instead.

How to Call

Call EARLY (like 6:30 or 7) if you can. Reasons given below.

First, NEVER disguise your voice or make it “sound” sick. Most people can see right through this, and when you are really sick (unless you have laryngitis) you don’t generally sound much different anyway. One tip a friend of mine gave me is to call right after you wake up when your voice is still “froggy” sounding from sleeping. This sounds far more realistic and you don’t have to “act.”

If you can, try to speak to a receptionist when you call. It’s much easier to talk to a gatekeeper than your actual boss when calling in sick. Even better, leave a message. You are much more likely to reach an answering machine of some kind if you call early, because nobody is in the office yet. Your “illness” will be far more convincing because there is far less anxiety when speaking with a robot. Robots don’t talk back.

What to Say

If you cannot talk to an answering machine, you need to be firm. If you say something like “I am not really feeling well… it might be hard for me to get to work today,” then you leave the door open for your boss asking you to be on call, to call in later if you feel better, or worst of all, to come in anyway.

There are hundreds of reasons your boss might say, “well, we have a busy day today. Please come in! If you don’t feel well you can leave early after getting your work done.” Right.

My favorite question is “Well, unless you are on your deathbed, can you come in and gut it out?” I feel like responding with “So, anything short of certain death gives me a summons to make coffee for you?” This is what you do NOT want. Don’t give him the opportunity.

Just say “I am sick and will not be coming in to work today.” End of story. Don’t leave any doors open. Make it short and simple. Don’t worry if you think he doesn’t believe you - the damage control will be done when you return to the office, which is more important!

The Return

Most people underestimate how important it is to complete the lie. Your return to the office is actually the point in your “illness” where you have the least margin for error. If you are going to take a day off and call in sick, you should plan on acting accordingly when you do return. Your great story and cover can be completely destroyed when you return just because you got too much sun during your day off and your new tan gave you away.

Remember, you’ve created a masterpiece. Don’t spoil this perfect cake by forgetting to take it out of the damn oven.

When you do return, act normally. When someone asks if you are feeling better (especially your boss) say, “Slightly, but I might still be contagious. You should probably keep your distance.”

This serves three purposes:

1 - It makes your story more believable

2 - You may be given the option of leaving early (taking another half day if you wish)

3 - (The best) Your boss will keep his distance from you and leave you alone!

The best kind of illness to fake receiving is a stomach virus/food poisoning. This is because nobody can work when they are puking. It leaves absolutely no room for shoulds. Nobody will expect you to have come into the office the day before if you couldn’t hold down liquids. Plus, this kind of illness is easier to lie about. Put some rice cakes and crackers on top of your real lunch (which will be hidden deep within your bag) and say, “I am trying to recoup my stomach by eating light food.” People will be sympathetic (and scared to get too close.)

Whatever you do, though, don’t let anyone see the cheeseburger beneath!